Could It Be Codependency?

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."   Mathew 22:36-40  (TNIV)

As Christians, we totally understand the importance of being closely connected to God and in relationships with others.  However, when we fail to really make loving, honoring, obeying and relying on God our top priority, our relationships with others can become unhealthy and even idolatrous.  I have to admit, there have been times when I have attempted to mask an unhealthy relationship behind the auspices of "godly" love, only to later have it blow up in my face; revealing my true motives as selfish, sentimental and unspiritual.  Can you relate?  If so, you might be engaging in co-dependent behavior.  Below is a list that describes some of the signs:

1. I have difficulty saying “no” when people ask me to do something, even when I know I cannot or should not do it.

2. I feel responsible for the problems of others and in the world which I did not cause and cannot control.

3. I have a hard time doing anything for myself at all because it feels too selfish!

4. I put others’ needs before my own, even when their needs are not urgent and mine are.

5. When other people give me approval, it helps me to accept myself.

6. When other people criticize something I do, I feel like a failure.

7. I put off confrontation or doing/saying things which might upset people to avoid “making a scene.”

8. In the areas of my life where I experience approval, especially publicly, I often become over-involved.

9. If something I do is not done perfectly, I become impatient and/or insecure.

10. When others point out an imperfection in me, I become defensive.

11. If I am not in control of a situation or project, I feel uneasy.

12. I frequently compare myself with other people to see if I’m OK.

13. When I’m around other people who seem to “have it together,” I feel inadequate.

14. Deep down inside, I don’t really like myself and yet I hide this from others.

15. When I feel upset, I tend to blame and criticize people and circumstances for my feelings.

16. I often find myself in and have a difficult time getting myself out of unhealthy relationships with others.

17. I sometimes compromise my values to stay in unhealthy relationships with others.

18. I have a difficult time asking people to help me do things I cannot do myself.

19. I feel burdened with the attitude, “If I don’t do it, then no one else will.”

20. My first reaction to a suggestion to try something new is generally negative.

21. I often find myself burned out because of over committing to others.

22. I feel a deep need to rescue others from experiencing the consequences of their own choices.

23. I tend to gravitate toward emotionally “needy” people, believing that I am the only one who truly “gets” them or has the ability to “fix” them.

24. I often find myself making excuses for the selfish or hurtful behavior of others because of their “background.”

            As a Christian, I think I have been, in many ways, trained to battle blatant selfishness.  And I think, for many of us, it would be safe to say that we despise the thought of being the kind of person who would out right refuse to love and/or help someone else.  That’s exactly why a co-dependent spirit can be so insidious.  Though co-dependency often resembles godly love and servitude outwardly, it is inwardly just as self serving and unspiritual as blatant selfishness, and is actually more damaging to ourselves and others over time.  Co-dependency is really just another word for relational idolatry. As much as I value being a part of a fellowship of disciples who serve others consistently, I’m also realizing that service to others can be in vain if it isn’t rooted in God and fueled by His Spirit.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."                         Galatians 1:10 (TNIV)

We’ll have more on this later.  For now, let's start by examining ourselves and our relationships.  If at least two of the above statements describe you, it could be co-dependency.

Thanks for taking the time.

Curtis